For every action there is an equal and opposite criticism.

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you. You have the right to remain silent.

All power corrupts. Absolute power is pretty neat, though.

If you can't convince them, confuse them.

Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a free trip around the sun.

How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on.

Originality is the art of concealing your sources.

Treat each day as your last; one day you will be right.

What's another word for "thesaurus"?

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

Nobody is perfect. I am nobody.

The Big Bang Theory: God Spoke and BANG! It happened.

Don't steal. The government hates competition.

Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep.

Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.

We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.

Why is "abbreviation" such a long word?

If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made with meat?

A hesitation before hitting snooze isn't being lazy; it's the moment you're deciding to be lazy.

I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.

The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the ability to reach it.

Never go to bed angry, stay awake and plot your revenge.

Eat, drink and be merry, for tomorrow they may make it illegal.