Nobody is perfect. I am nobody.

The Big Bang Theory: God Spoke and BANG! It happened.

Don't steal. The government hates competition.

Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep.

Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.

We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.

Why is "abbreviation" such a long word?

If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made with meat?

A hesitation before hitting snooze isn't being lazy; it's the moment you're deciding to be lazy.

I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.

The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the ability to reach it.

Never go to bed angry, stay awake and plot your revenge.

Eat, drink and be merry, for tomorrow they may make it illegal.